A Funk

I’ve been wondering for a while why my discipline has taken a back seat. I used to write daily and keep this blog going, but the past few years have been trying. That’s not supposed to be an excuse or a reason. It just is. Sometimes things just are.

I don’t like how things are with my writing and other things. I don’t like that my discipline seems to have taken a walk about without me. I especially don’t like the fact that I haven’t gone chasing after it.

I’ve written one complete short story since 2018, and a few other fragments and prompts, but nothing of substance. I haven’t even worked on any of my novels. Something is missing. Something is bothering me.

But what?

I wish I knew. Maybe someone with a crystal ball could tell me the path to break out of this funk that I’m in. I’m definitely in a funk, a funk of my own making perhaps. A funk of epic proportions.

But what’s funny is when I feel like writing these past few years, I reach for a journal, or a random blog post. I want to reach for my fiction but perhaps I’m in a place where writing my thoughts are the only way to work through my feelings, which are aplenty I can assure you.

Writing is a struggle. Life is a struggle. But we keep trying. We keep going. If you have any words of advice on how to push through this funk, I’d appreciate it. In the meantime, happy writing.

2 A.M.

I’ve said this before–nighttime is when my thoughts start spinning; overthinking and worrying ramp up. Tonight is no different.

Sometimes, I manage to fall asleep easily, but I keep busy either engrossed in a tv show, a book, or drawing until I’m too exhausted to keep my eyes open. I don’t want to think.

I know I’m not the only one.

This world is topsy turvy. 2020 isn’t the year for anyone. Many things have disrupted my plans for the year and have left me wondering exactly when it will all calm down.

1. My dad is diagnosed with cancer and needs surgery.
2. Three weeks later coronavirus lockdown.
3. Protests, riots, looting etc.
4. Explosion in Beirut where half my family lives.
5. Two family members with coronavirus.
6. More violence.

Do you know what I want to do?

Cry.

Perhaps I’m too empathetic to handle society these days. If you’re anything like me, you see what’s going on and feel all the anger and the pain. Doesn’t matter who it is; you feel it.

It hurts you. It hurts them even more.

The world is screaming with pain. It’s everywhere you look. Where can refuge and peace be found? Where can someone go for a moment’s rest?

You can try to drown it out, but it’s still there. You’ll remember when night comes and you’re waiting for sleep to find you, or when you open social media apps for a second. It only takes a second.

The pain has to stop, but you’re only one person. What can you do?

Start at home. You can’t help anyone if you’re paralyzed from anxiety, fear, or suffering of your own. It’s like they say on airplanes–assist yourself before assisting others.

Find a way to calm your mind. Whatever that might be. I read, draw, watch Kdramas, and write stream-of-consciousness journal entries then delete them.

Please take care of yourself. Treat yourself with kindness and grace. Treat others the same way. Maybe then you’ll ease their pain even if only a little.

I don’t know much, but I know things are hard. I pray you all find some hope and some peace in your world.

Drop an email if you’d like. As Frasier (btw, funny show!) says, I’m listening.

Uncertainty and the Games It Plays

Some people thrive on change and uncertainty. Others are afraid of them. I fall somewhere in between. I love the idea of letting go and seeing what happens, but then the actual execution of it kind of leaves my stomach in knots. Warring knots at that. Some of them are like, “Woohoo! No idea what’s gonna happen! Let’s go get em!” While the others sort of tense up like a charlie horse, and whisper rather loudly, “Um…I don’t think so. We should just stay here in our dark hole where everything makes sense, and no one tries to come and mess things up. It’s not safe out there. I mean what kind of people or things lurk in the daylight? I shudder to think…”